Well, this week marks the ⅓ point of my year in Australia (where is 2016 going?!). I have so far had mixed feelings living here. Not about Australia itself — I love exploring this beautiful country, the amazing weather, meeting wonderful people, my ideal work and living situations, and the peaceful, relaxed lifestyle I am leading daily. Those are my ups, and what wonderful ups they are! But I am also experiencing downs… the kind that are internal that come with starting a life all over again in a new place. (Since let's face it... the "real world" isn't like Harlaxton that comes with a built-in community and full social agenda).
Somedays it’s easy to slip into thinking about the “what ifs” and picture myself in other scenarios: What if I had stayed another semester at Harlaxton? What if I hadn’t left the UK, a place I fell in love with and felt so at home? What if I decided to return closer to home (i.e. somewhere in the States) instead of coming all the way to Australia after leaving England? What if…? What if…?
During these internal dialogues, I remind myself that I came here for a reason. I chose for my life to unfold this way, taking the path that always felt best and right at each moment. I’ve been doing that since I first studied abroad in France when I was 16, and then again in Ghana when I was 17, and moving across the country for university and taking advantage of every travel opportunity I could get there, and then grad school (also across the country), then Peace Corps in Morocco, then England and now Australia. It’s been me and the rest of the world and I have loved every second of every chapter. I guess I’m just getting tired of doing it alone. Not in a relationship sense, but in a community sense.
Somedays it’s easy to slip into thinking about the “what ifs” and picture myself in other scenarios: What if I had stayed another semester at Harlaxton? What if I hadn’t left the UK, a place I fell in love with and felt so at home? What if I decided to return closer to home (i.e. somewhere in the States) instead of coming all the way to Australia after leaving England? What if…? What if…?
During these internal dialogues, I remind myself that I came here for a reason. I chose for my life to unfold this way, taking the path that always felt best and right at each moment. I’ve been doing that since I first studied abroad in France when I was 16, and then again in Ghana when I was 17, and moving across the country for university and taking advantage of every travel opportunity I could get there, and then grad school (also across the country), then Peace Corps in Morocco, then England and now Australia. It’s been me and the rest of the world and I have loved every second of every chapter. I guess I’m just getting tired of doing it alone. Not in a relationship sense, but in a community sense.
Somehow I thought I’d be immune to encountering culture shock or homesickness moving to Australia, since I’ve moved so many times before, but it still came. And I think the surprise of it was just as alarming as the symptoms themselves. While I’m probably still feeling some of the effects, I can fairly confidently say the worst is over. I no longer feel so alone and cut off from family and friends back home (which includes the UK as well as the US). I no longer question staying here for the full year. I no longer run through the “what if” scenarios in my head. (But I do still think about England and Scotland often and daydream about moving back there. And I do still think about my next reunion with loved ones that lasts longer than just a few days).
Solo travel is undeniably one of the best things a person can do for their own personal growth, challenging and expanding their worldview, and understanding and accepting other peoples, cultures and ways of life. I am incredibly grateful for all of my solo travel experiences. It is something that will always be a part of me, and something I will continually encourage others to do at some point in their lives. But the longer I’ve been on the road, the more I think about how selfish travel can be. Experiencing all the wonders and beauty of the world, mainly just for you and no one else. Leaving family and friends over and over again to fulfill a personal desire. Building up relationships and then cutting friendships short by jet setting somewhere new, again.
I suppose what I’m struggling with, and have felt for the past couple years, is balancing my desire for newness and adventure with community and relationships. I’ve now built up countless friendships in multiple countries on four continents. Keeping up with them all can sometimes feel exhausting and leaving them behind is emotionally draining — every single time. (I’m sure I’ll feel this when leaving Australia in 8 months from now too, but let’s not think about that yet!).
I suppose what I’m struggling with, and have felt for the past couple years, is balancing my desire for newness and adventure with community and relationships. I’ve now built up countless friendships in multiple countries on four continents. Keeping up with them all can sometimes feel exhausting and leaving them behind is emotionally draining — every single time. (I’m sure I’ll feel this when leaving Australia in 8 months from now too, but let’s not think about that yet!).
So why do I keep doing it? Maybe because I don’t know how to stop. Maybe I don’t want to stop. I can build worlds that are just my own and no one else’s. I can be a new me in every new place. I can create lives that are self-contained with a beginning and an end and once I leave, that life can never be changed; it exists as I want it to in my memories.
So while my 20s has been a decade of short stories, I feel like my approaching 30s are about to bring on a new genre. Maybe something that is less “selfish” and inwardly thinking, and more about deeper connections and relationship-building. Who knows?! But for now, my focus goes back to Australia — living in the moment, embracing my community here to the fullest, and enjoying all that life Down Under has to offer.
So while my 20s has been a decade of short stories, I feel like my approaching 30s are about to bring on a new genre. Maybe something that is less “selfish” and inwardly thinking, and more about deeper connections and relationship-building. Who knows?! But for now, my focus goes back to Australia — living in the moment, embracing my community here to the fullest, and enjoying all that life Down Under has to offer.
For more photos of my time in Australia, visit the Photos tabs.
To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer,
to find each other, and to feel. That is the purpose of life.”
-The Secret Life of Walter Mitty